BLOG.....It is what it is......Do you think so ????
In this blog, I explore my behavior and that of others. Why do I do as I do ? Why do I react the way I react ? In my opinion, we can be anything. There is a piece of genetic predisposition, environmental factors, situations, experiences that ultimately determine your behavior. People often say, “I am like this,” that is my character. Is that so ? Is that such a given ?Or can we determine more of our behavior ourselves ? Does that allow us to shape our character as we want ?It would be nice if people would respond to my musings, so that we can search together.
March 14, 2025
“It is what it is,” is used a lot these days as a kind of pseudo spiritual utterance. I then often see people shrug their shoulders at this saying as well. Is this really letting go of what is meant ? Is this really felt through ? Lived through ? Has responsibility really been taken for what is ? Shrugging one's shoulders, looks more like a form of disinterest. Or is this just another assumption of mine ? When you answer this quote with “Do you think so ”, it goes all the way. One explains what he or she has seen or experienced, often in the heat of the moment the assumptions and condemnations come loose. Funny how after the reaction “Do you think so ? ”, one quickly strays from “it is what it is”. I would say try it out sometime and let me know how this went.....“It is what it is”, is such a dead giveaway when you haven't really looked at the deeper layers. Why was this said to me? How did I react to that ? Why exactly did I react to that ? How did I feel ? Could I have done it differently ? In what way?Why did this happen to me? What was I thinking? Could I have done it differently? Would it have made a difference ? etc. etc.
March 15, 2025
January 22, 2025 I suffered a cerebral infarction. I woke up unable to swallow properly and soon found that talking was no longer possible either. Eventually I lost strength on the right side of my body. I was admitted to the stroke unit in the hospital. At that time there was only one patient on the unit. This lady was already sleeping heavily roaring. I don't like staying with friends or family, in other words, I prefer to sleep at home. A hospital is out of the question for me. In this case I could accept the course of events. That night the stroke unit ended up being full. These people were in more or less the same condition as I was. I did observe a difference. These people were struggling, they were victims of the situation. Why wasn't I, I added to myself. At the announcement ...you are having a brain attack.... I only thought...yes I thought so, darn it. On the way to the stroke unit, my thoughts were running overtime. Fortunately, I can deal with disability, because I have one anyway.....Fortunately, I already have all kinds of adaptations at home. My car, the bathroom, a wheelchair, a mobility scooter, crutches.I don't have to worry about that.For the last six months I've been mostly concerned with Lucinda. Her husband's death, the funeral and its aftermath.
Okay, so now I am forced to concentrate on myself again. No one would blame me for that now.I can't sleep, so I start doing breathing exercises and try to feel life on the right side of my body again. No sooner said than done.I was immediately back to work with the options available to me.The next day the strength had returned to the extent that I was allowed to go home and start rehabilitation from home.
What does this piece say about me, what do I think of my own thoughts ?
Not staying with friends or family ? Why ? Why ? Indeed, I never do. I understand that this is nonsense, that it is a learned behavior of mine. Also that it has to come from somewhere. But.......this is a piece of behavior and performance from me that I am comfortable with. So far, I don't want to change this. In other words, you always have a choice. Do I want to change my behavior in this ? Then what does that mean for me ? What are the advantages and disadvantages of this behavior of mine ?
Immediately sober and acceptance of my fate (the brain infarct with consequences). Few outward emotions as a result. Yes, even a form of cheerfulness at that moment. How crazy is that ?Immediately “getting to work,” to the point of heroism. Pooh, you could have some psychotherapeutic questions on this !!! I will sleep on it and come back to it tomorrow.
March 16, 2025
This sobriety on bad news stories of mine is clearly a thing. I feel best in difficult situations. Yes, it gives me strength and power ! The feeling of being able to take control. Achieving something with perseverance. Being there to be admired.In recent years I have everything my heart desires. A sweet husband, a nice house, nice animals, a studio full of equipment, a closet full of new clothes, no money worries. I sometimes tell my husband, I haven't felt as bad as I do these days in years. Let it be clear, this has nothing to do with him, but everything to do with me. All those years of living in poverty, all those years when it was so hard, I was at my best. Why do I need so much friction to feel good ? How am I going to enjoy and get energy from a good life ? That question and that answer I will definitely deal with in the future !!! What do I have to start letting go of for that ?For the moment I am having a hard time recovering from my brain infarct. But oh well, having it tough is kind of nice for me.
March 17, 2025
Yesterday I get a comment via whatsapp about the optimism you see reflected in my BLOG. This is someone who has been through a lot and also very strong, a downright canny person.
She says, “Optimism won't get you there either.” I have seen optimistic people die anyway, and with me, something keeps coming up. And people then say ........ “oh you are so optimistic you will be fine.””
And yes, how do you deal with that? First, I don't think optimism necessarily helps you heal, but helps you with how you react to the “bad” news. That's a big difference. Optimism with the thought that this would allow you to heal like a miracle is highly unlikely. In fact, studies have shown that people who became very depressed after bad news as well as people who suddenly became super positive about it had significantly shorter lives than people who looked at it realistically and made the best of it. Optimism can lead to denial. So in everything, one has to find a balance. You might think; “How does she know?” Years ago I went to Milan with my sister-in-law for a second opinion at an Oncology hospital. She had figured out that at that time this was the best oncologist in a specific field in Europe. Together we made it a vacation trip on the way to Milan. . We saw a lot and laughed immensely. My sister-in-law told me later that this was the most fun vacation she had ever experienced. Dr. Curigliano then told us how oncologists also looked at the patient's behavior, and so even grade it. This cannot be measured scientifically, but can be reasonably estimated after a further conversation. I took this to heart, because it sounds reasonable and plausible.In other words, one more time --Optimism does not mean that things go well, optimism has to do with how you react in difficult and bad situations.
After this account, I just want to say something ? Do you know it? You hear someone say something, and then you never forget it. You see something, and you never forget that image. No matter how long ago and/or how unimportant the remark or image was. I have taught myself that this then becomes significant somewhere in my life. Time knows no time, so that can take decades before it has meaning in your life. The crazy thing is then, you immediately know where you heard or saw that. So nice to discover these kinds of magical things, how beautiful and wonderful life is.
March 18, 2025
First of all, I want to thank the people who choose to contact me via whatsapp. No matter how it reaches me. It makes me think, how do I deal with that ? Or do I know this at all ? In any case, they experience reasons not to do this through the BLOG website. One says ; “I don't want to be in a support group.” The other says ; “I don't like clubs, or set sports times.” “Laughter is also indicated....” “I could look into it for why.” Exactly, that is a choice ! You don't have to change, only if you want to for whatever reason. Now it so happens that I don't like support groups, clubs and set times either. But I have committed myself through this BLOG to start looking at why I do what I do as much as possible. What stands against me ? Why ? I can tell what feeling it gives me. Once my family doctor advised me to go to a support group for MS patients. At the time, I couldn't get any direction from my disability. So I went to this club with fellow sufferers. I noticed it was only ladies. After the introduction round came the first question. Are you married? The answer was , yes, “Ooh, that won't take long though!” The ladies went off without questions about how their partners did not understand them and that it led to divorce for each of them. This acquaintance was immediately the last acquaintance for me. So much negativity !!!At that time, I was still married to my first husband.Yes, yes, I did get divorced, but not at all for this reason.My husband and I handled my condition very smoothly.No, I really never experienced a difference between having a disability before the time of appearance or after. In fact, I never experienced any difficulties around me. People easily got behind the wheelchair to push me through the world. What I did experience was an allergy to support groups.In college, I was asked to speak at a conference for the “disabled student.” That sounds good, I thought. It turned out to be a congress where only disabled students would attend, I found out later. I called the organization and thanked them. I told them that I live in a world with able-bodied people around me. Rarely do I meet anyone with a disability. For me, it is important to create awareness among able-bodied people about the disabled person. How do you deal with them? How do you approach such a person? Or not? Do you find it uncomfortable ? If so, why ? etc.Again an allergy was born in me. Why are disabled people pigeonholed by able-bodied people ? Aren't we all people ? That is what I want to radiate.... BEING HUMAN !!!As a child, I was “clumsy.” People didn't know then that I had a neurological disorder. When the living room was full of people I would stumble or knock something over. People would laugh and say I was being clumsy again. Every birthday or party I had a stomach ache beforehand. I experienced this for many years. During my adolescence I was able to get rid of this feeling. It is fair to say that I sowed my wild oats.. Fortunately, I did.Still, about after I turned 50, I became more like I felt myself as a child again. I'm not really nervous but I don't like a house full of people. If I can, I try to avoid it. Any gathering with multiple people I try to avoid. Clearly, conditioning has done something to my behavior. When someone tells me they don't like a support group or any other kind of club, I completely understand. Do I want to change this ? When I feel a negative emotion, such as irritation or even anger, do I want to change it ? Immediately I ask myself, why do I react this way ? Is it necessary ? Can it be different ? What does it say about me ? But....not wanting to be in a group is not something I would want to change. The emotion I feel then is usually repulsion. Funnily enough, that is usually an emotion I take seriously. When I feel this, I have to listen to it. Annetje do you really have to listen to this ???? Am I not very good at straightening out everything that is crooked? What happens to me once I go through that repulsion ?Then there are the fixed moments. That too is something so strange. It normally gives structure and peace. Yet I often feel trapped or held hostage by fixed moments. Not being able to do what I want. That sounds very spoiled, I think. Especially when I write this down like this. DOING WHAT I WANT. Wow, that's quite a self-centered quote !!! I want to continue on that tomorrow.
March 19, 2025
DO WHATEVER I WANT. Gee, that's quite a lot. There are times when this isn't possible, of course. Still, when I look back on my life, this is something I have been saying for as long as I can remember. As a three-year-old girl, my father wanted me to say "U" (in Dutch it's a formal way to address adults). I was the youngest and the only one that refused to do so. We came to an agreement, I was going to say "GIJ" (It's an ancient word meaning "U", but sounds as " you" in Dutch). Sounds very funny of course, but even then I didn't feel like doing what someone else says without question. “U” is a word with which I feel a certain distance. People who remember me from my early childhood think of me as a catty, biting girl. From my parents I know that I was always obedient. At home I was so quiet and obedient that people often forgot I was even there at all!!! Even now I don't do anything that is not allowed. My husband has a huge laugh that I don't mess around with rules. Even if I disagree with a law or rule, I will always do what is expected. If it goes against my moral compass, I just don't do it. So on the one hand I am a “good” citizen and on the other hand I do what I want. How about this? As I write this, I remember the first vacation with my current husband Ton. We are on vacation and we are driving on the periphery of Paris. I am behind the wheel myself. The Tomtom was indicating all kinds of traffic jams and Ton was fiddling with it to find the best way. Back then I was just in love and had my rose-colored glasses on, I thought this was funny. Suddenly Ton shouts; “You have to turn here!” Then I drive on to take the next exit. Next to me I see a man with a fiery redhead.“Are you angry now?”, I asked in surprise. “No.”, he said angrily. “Well, you look that way otherwise, too bad.” “Well, why don't you listen to me?” “Ton, I only listen to someone if I feel like what they're saying makes sense.” “If it doesn't make sense to my ears, then I don't do it.” Hilarious this was. It was the start of our relationship, and we later referred to it often and laughed about it. Somehow I trust my own compass the most. Of course, I don't want to offend anyone, but I am really at the steering wheel of my own life. Why is that? In this case I know where it comes from. Through an EMDR with a psychotherapist years ago, the following emerged. As a three-year-old girl, I witnessed my mother's dishonest practices. These practices continued for many years. At that point I decided never to believe her again. This expanded into a general distrust of people. That's probably where that biting little kid came from, too. When you see childhood pictures of me you see the eyes of a cornered cat. It makes me sad, even when I look at them now. One person I can depend on is myself. So you see how conditioning works through. DOING WHAT I WANT and FOLLOWING THE RULES go hand in hand because of these experiences.
March 20, 2025Coming home from the hospital, I was in bed a lot because of my fatigue. Feeling my mortality triggered many thoughts in me. The patients as well as the staff had left an impression on me. The patients as I mentioned earlier came across as so lost and pathetic. The nursing staff seemed rude and uninterested. In the Stroke Unit they wake you up every few hours to take some measurements. In the meantime, different/new staff has arrived. When you are woken up, immediately they start tugging and picking at you without saying a word to you. At least you expect someone to gently shake you awake and say ; “Hello madam, my name is Anneke and I am going to take your blood pressure.” Something like that seems polite and humane to me. Unfortunately without saying a word and not making any contact with me, there were actions done. As far as I know I had five nurses at my bedside, only one introduced herself. When evaluating my discharge, I did mention this briefly in hopes that this would be considered. People already feel helpless and then they are treated like lifeless dolls.I watched many episodes of “Between Art and Kitsch” while recovering in bed. The idea arose to start drawing masks with many spiritual meanings. Thoughts play through my head such as..... ” What makes nursing no longer seem committed ?” “When patients felt unobserved they seemed different than when a doctor came by, again different when visitors came by.” I see people around me who call their relationship a love affair. I question that from time to time. “What mask are they wearing, and why?” Well, all kinds of things that gave me the idea to start this painting.
The meanings of the animals, flowers, etc. are also important in order to say something about the mask.Turns out, for example, that birds refer to sex and things about it. A bird on the edge of its cage with the door open means that this lady has only just lost her virginity.At the same time, birds serve as bridge-builders between the heavenly and earthly worlds. They bring messages from above to us. These winged creatures symbolize air, communication and connection.The peacock symbolizes awakening. It is a metaphor that speaks of the ego dying, and being born into a new life of consciousness, spirituality and enlightenment. The peacock is also associated with the phoenix rising from the ashes. It is a colorful symbol of transformation.In love, Pisces (the star sign) are often looking for a deep, spiritual connection with their partner. They are often romantic and faithful and want a relationship based on trust and emotional intimacy. However, sometimes this can lead to a lack of realistic expectations and disappointment in love. Pisces is the spiritual sign par excellence because they truly feel more than others. Their intuition is razor sharp and they are very sensitive to atmospheres. Their empathy is great, as is their sacrificial spirit. People can count on their understanding and compassion.So the initial letters of Jesus Christ, Son of God and Savior form the word ICHTHUS = FISH in Greek. This prompted early Christians to use a fish as a secret sign during the period when early Christianity had to go underground because of Christian persecution in the Roman Empire. The fish was or is symbolic of the goddess Freya in Norse and Germanic mythology; peace, harmony, powers of observation, patience and healthy fertility in astrology.A salamander represents renewal, regeneration, rebirth and growth.What does a salamander symbolize in the Bible?The salamander is also used to symbolize the flames through which he passes, and is thus a symbol of fire, temptation and burning desire . He was considered the “king of fire” and as such was representative of Christ who would baptize with the flames of the Holy Spirit.
Flowers are nourishment for the soul. Since ancient times, flowers and plants, trees and fruits have been used to subtly communicate something to another person. A form of nonverbal communication is so written. Well one of the most famous examples is the red rose, as a sign that you love the recipient. However, there are countless other flowers and other crops that represent an equally great symbolic value. In the Middle Ages, as well as in the periods before, great value was placed on symbolism. In modern times, partly due to modern means of communication, the use of that symbolism is in danger of being lost, which seems to make it much more impersonal.Religious and spiritual traditionsIn Christianity, the rose is often associated with the Virgin Mary and symbolizes purity and divine love. In Islamic tradition, the rose is seen as a symbol of paradise and the beauty of creation.The rose is often seen as a symbol of the union between the divine feminine and masculine energies . The soft petals represent the nurturing and compassionate aspects of the feminine, while the sturdy stem and thorns symbolize the strength and protection associated with the masculine.Rose, the flower of love with its thorns. The Thorns symbolize that life is no bed of roses.............The rose, with its thorns, speaks to the senses of smell, sight and touch, and is not limited to one gender. In post-Biblical Jewish sources, the rose often symbolizes the people of Israel, while the thorns symbolize hostile nations .With the symbolism of the rose comes spiritual blossoming, blossoming that you achieve when you have gone through a certain degree of spiritual development. And it is a wonderful flower for that: it looks beautiful, it smells good and it has many layers.But with the rose comes the symbolism of the Thorns. A symbolism that is not much talked about. You can see the path to spiritual growth as the way up the stem. And on that stem are the thorns and each thorn stands for fear, old pain, a limiting belief, doubt or anger. For “that's the way it should be” or “that's not the way it should be”. For (self) judgment and the pain of duality. And in order to grow spiritually, we will have to accept the thorns, we will have to step out of our comfort zone, before we can continue. And after each thorn we feel lighter, because each time we have lost a piece of ballast from our ego. In my experience, each thorn has enriched my life, increased my love, happiness and compassion. And some thorns are more difficult than others. I think some thorns have even taken me years. And others have disappeared like snow in the sun just by acknowledging them.
So is spiritual development all doom and gloom? No, fortunately not. There are thorns on the stem, but there are also whole stretches of smooth stem, where growth is pleasurable, where we can fully enjoy ourselves.The tradition of wearing masks seems to date back to the 13th century. Throughout the centuries, Venetians disguised themselves with masks whenever they saw fit. It allowed them to escape the rigid rules of class hierarchy . All classes could mix, men could be women, women could be men.The most popular Venetian Mask:With its recognizable white, full face covering and prominent chin, it offered the wearer not only anonymity, but also the ability to eat and drink without removing the mask. This mask was a symbol of equality and social liberation.So you see a mask is not just a mask !!!! A lot of symbolism and spirituality is hidden in the mask and probably for the person wearing it.Gradually while drawing I thought of the following. Why do I ask myself the question about what I see in others? Am I not projecting everything that lives in me ? Gee, are these my own masks ? And, oh dear, 11 masks too !!! I was born on the eleventh !!!What does 11 mean again ? It is a Master Number , 11, 22 and 33. The influence of a Master Number is much more powerful and throughout life. The master number 11 is seen as the number of Uranus, the great reformer and original thinker with a strong focus on equality. The 11 force is a force that can be used to turn things “upside down” to achieve greater equality.All in all, after January 22, 2025 when I suffered a brain attack, I am now encountering a spiritual meaning/growth in myself that has spontaneously rolled out. I am a grateful human being.
(See below the painting ... “Masks,” which by the way is not yet finished)
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